Daddy please my hearts full of blisters!
- UK authorities have not informed SL government
- Parents are currently behind bars
By Gazala Anver
What would have been a perfectly normal day for Shakira Wahab, living in the UK with her husband Fayaz and three kids, turned out into a long drawn out nightmare, resulting in her landing behind bars and having her children taken away from her and fostered with strangers. On September 28, 2011, Shakira was bathing her youngest daughter Alisha* in a basin when her two year old son Asad* playfully jumped on her. Shakira allegedly removed her arm from the basin to carry Asad, and in the process of forcibly moving her hand, baby Alisha incurred a minor injury on her bottom, near her perineum. The cut was deep and bled a little, and panicking, Shakira took Alisha to the hospital. The hospital however, did not believe Shakira’s account of the incident, and called Social Services (SS) – after which all hell broke loose. “When she (Shakira) took Alisha to the Emergency room and informed the medical practitioner as to how the injury occurred, the hospital was not convinced and without any further assessment or interrogation took the matter to the social services,” said Shamara*, Shakira’s sister. “The SS wanted a full skeletal survey done on Alisha. The following morning, September 29, the medical practitioner informed my sister that Alisha had sustained several rib fractures on her left side and a few indefinite rib fractures on her right,” Shamara said. According to Shamara, her sister was naturally at a loss when asked how Alisha sustained the rib injuries. “Alisha was a healthy and happy baby feeding well with no signs of bruising or symptoms of rib fractures,” she said. “By the evening of the 29th the SS informed my sister that they would be issuing an interim care order for a period of 3 days, on grounds of unexplained rib injuries. They suspected that Alisha would have been abused.” Just like that, suddenly, her other two children were also taken away from her on grounds “of risk of sustaining injuries in the future,” “emotional harm” and “neglect.” “My father and I flew over immediately and he put himself forward to be assessed as a kinship carer. I claimed custody over the children under my father’s care to help him in the day-to-day practical needs of the children.” Despite Shakira’s father producing a legally certified clear Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check for 25 years, it was not good enough. He then registered in the area General Hospital and rented a house for the children, building up an entire care plan. Two months down the line, the assessment continued, Shamara said, claiming that the maximum time taken for an assessment is 2 to 3 weeks. Despite going through all possible lengths to secure the children, absolutely nothing would do. “Whatever we did or said, they always twisted it against us in court. The SS gagged my sister and her husband. They were punished for no crime,” said Shamara. In the following months, the family was allowed to see the children four days every week, two hours a day, and always under surveillance by the SS. They could only speak to the children in Tamil if there was an interpreter and every word spoken was carefully monitored. “The SS also threatened us that if they cry, or get distressed while in our presence, they would cut contact and let us visit the children only once or twice a week.” According to Shamara, the children too were clearly distressed and the fact that they were getting distant from their culture and religion was all the more disturbing. “The children were even in different placements, living apart from each other. When this was brought up, my sister and her husband never received a proper response.” After the SS ran a medical investigation over all three children, it was discovered that the oldest child, Ameera* aged 9 and Asad were both perfectly healthy, physically and mentally. Only Alisha had sustained rib injuries and a cut near her perineum. The SS were still unconvinced, and despite requests, they did not allow Alisha to be examined by an independent doctor. All hopes that the family would be able to gain custody over the children too were shattered, when the SS informed that Shakira’s father was “too old” and could not look after the children. “Despite being their maternal aunt, even I was refused on grounds of not having a long term visa. When we spoke to other SS workers in the area, they informed us that no grandparent could be refused on grounds of old age. When my father’s assessment fell through, we put forward my uncle who is a British citizen and has CRB checks in UK. The SS immediately refused saying that they cannot change authority to another area.” Then the bomb dropped. The SS allegedly went on to say that the children would be given up for forced adoption if no extended family came forward. “The SS is issuing a Care order in February to have 100 per cent legal rights over the children,” said Shamara. At that point, both Shakira and her husband breached court order and on December 22, took away their children. Newspapers in the UK reported the incident, saying that the police and port authorities were on the look-out for them and on December 24, they were found and both Shakira and her husband were arrested by police in Leicester, charged with child abduction and jailed. The children were moved back to foster care. “The UK authorities let my sister and her husband fight for justice alone. They did not inform the Sri Lankan embassy in the UK or the Sri Lankan Government. We are left with the fear that we will never see the children again. All we want is to bring them back to Sri Lanka safely,” Shamara pleaded. “What is more, is that the media in the UK has even published pictures and the names of the children. How are they supposed to live a normal life after this?” she asked. *names changed to protect the identity of the children
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Careless Hands That Unfold The Flower Of Life
What do you exactly mean by abuse?
A single incident of assault also constitutes abuse, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Which is worse?????
The answer is in the hands of your good judgment
Abuse means “The power of life and death are in the tongue.” So said, a guy named Solomon… Abuse: Is it the language of those in Authority and Failures in life?
Words once said can never be unsaid and the pain is deeper than any physical violence. They often remain with deep unhealed wounds and more permanent scars embedded that can be revived easily at the stroke of anything related to it. It is stored in the backyard of the mind with heartaches by the number resulting in troubles by the score
Abuse is a pattern of forcible behavior control, that one person exercises over another to gain or maintain power, control or extraction in a relationship. Battering tattering and a load of abusive language is the oldest weapon in the world. Criticism, using past offenses, expressing negative expectations,yelling, expressing ill feeling, are forms of verbal abuse.Free of cost, available as and how the need arises, it is ferocious and is exercised, demonstrated, and implemented with no boundaries. Abuse is a global, emotional, physical, verbal, language, a painful weapon, to keep their custodians as a puppet on a string under their insensitive control.
The level of abuse can be gauged by the frequency, volume, and emotional weight given to the words. Abuse as recognized often happens in cycles. There are a variety of ways of abuse such as Tension Building Phase, Explosion Phase, and the Calm Phase. Abuse is related to frustration, deprivation, failure, dissatisfaction, insensitiveness, and tension.
Inciting a misunderstanding, falsely accusing and portraying someone as bad, or creating a fictional story, and framing the innocents are all forms of abusing. They inflict deep unexplainable pain in one’s heart and mind which will finally destroy the biological and physical state of mind and heart of the victim. It can defame the innocent victim in many ways, for example words used to threaten, control, or insult a “loved” one will surface uncertainty, insecurity, inferiority, and hopelessness in one’s life. The spouse, parent, child, teacher or boss, they are the ones who hold the power and authority to verbally abuse you. It proves the strength and power of painful words to cause serious emotional and mental harm, more than one can ever imagine, such permanent damage is absolute. Such words you inflict on them stay permanently in the backstage of their minds. This can cause serious damage to their future as well. They should be weighed carefully before it escapes our lips. Be cautious of the words you toy with and the use of vocabulary in your daily life. This can harm your loved ones and those under your custody. It can become part of one’s vocabulary in any type of dialogue. It’s a lesson for parents to be on the alert of such vocabulary that flows carelessly to get kids under control. Think before you utter words that cause an endless pain, wounded hearts are slow in healing. They may never heal again. What’s the use of being sorry when regrets are in vain.
The tongue is known to be a ferocious beast and if let loose, attacks like a viper. It has no control, very insensitive and has no barriers to the words that slip out so easily and so fast. Such usage of indecent undignified language flows in ones speech according to the pattern of life that has been designed by their environment.
Domestic violence is a very serious issue. However, many people do not realize that abuse is actually occurring because there is no physical violence visible. It has to be accepted that the effects of emotional abuse can be far-ranging and not apparent for years to come. The worst major side-effect of emotional abuse is the effect it has on the psyche and self-esteem of the person upon whom it has been inflicted. Serious, long-ranging effects stem from emotional abuse. Emotional and mental issues can arise immediately, or they may not manifest themselves for weeks, months, or years to come. Often times, these effects can be seen in physical abuse perpetrated by the victim years down the road.
The most obvious potential side-effect of emotional abuse is that it often promotes the escalation into physical violence. When the abuser finds that he/she is not achieving a sufficient level of control through verbal and mental abuse, they will more than likely turn to physical violence as a Hobson’s choice for defensive purpose or to achieve their ultimate goal. That is why it is very important to recognize and eliminate an abusive situation as soon as possible.
The dark side-effect of emotional abuse is the effect it has on those people around you. If you have children living in the household, and you are a victim of verbal abuse, they will consciously, or subconsciously, pick up on those habits, and perceive them as normal. They will then go on to exhibit abusive, terrorizing behavior in their relationships which has become a part of today’s lifestyle. It is the worst kind of harassment abuse and it evokes a stress response in children. As a child, witnessing various forms of abuse can be traumatizing and they finally grow up to be terrorists.
This is also a kind of stress that alters the child physically, lowering their ability to fight off disease, increasing their risk for many stress-related ailments. Aside from the physical affects, a child living in terror has no opportunities to develop anything other than unhealthy and anti-social survival skills Emotional abuse is the core of all forms of abuse, and the long-term effects of child abuse and neglect in general stem mainly from the emotional aspects of abuse. Actually, it is the psychological aspect of most abusive behaviors that defines them as abusive. Despite the fact that the long-term harm from abuse is most often caused by the emotional aspects of the abuse, emotional abuse is the most difficult of the forms of abuse to substantiate and prosecute. Actual physical injury is often required before the authorities can step in and assist a child. Abusive relationships can lead to the victim feeling lonely and depressed. This is the gateway to drugs and suicidal thoughts. Thus emotional abuse is far more dangerous than physical abuse or financial abuse.
As long as one is towing the line to the abusers requirements satisfaction and being on his side, agreeable and nice, all will be relatively calm. But when one dares to question or contribute and stand for ones rights then all hell will break lose. Don’t let the abuser bring your dignity, interest, self esteem and values in life down at any cost. .You may tend to err but that does not mean you deserve the verbal beatings which is part of his vocabulary. He is the one with the major problem. Have an optimistic attitude and fill your life with enjoyment and relaxation with voluntary work where nothing is enforced on you as obligatory.
Bear in mind wherever you may be emotional abuse is more than just a verbal abuse. It is an attack on ones emotional and social development. It is a basic threat to healthy human development and progress in life. Emotional abuse is belittling, coldness, cruelty, ignoring, rejecting, and harassment. Sniggering and any kind of negative attitude towards those under your custody is a kind of body language that speaks louder than words!
An abuser seeks remedies to justify using abusive language and believes that the victim has graduated for this treatment. The abuser may assume he is making the wrongs right, but he is actually finding alibis to protect his weakness. Sadly the victim serves to be an all important purpose in the abusers life where he could project all his deep seated inadequacies upon. . It is a kind of satisfaction that is being revealed in one to make one’s victim feel worse than he really is. One may also recall or rerun the abusive life and the feelings of being trapped and the helplessness felt to have been in that unexplainable position. If you have no control of your abusive language then you may need professional help.
You can overcome the abusive garbage poured on you, by choosing to live a life that’s the opposite of it. Crown your self with a dignified ardent personality that becomes the real you. You need not live a life of masquerade anymore. This attitude will help on the road to recovery in good time. Sometimes one is left on the fence with mixed feelings of mismatched thoughts to make a final decision, a solution to the abusive situation. .But legal advice is not the conclusive solution for the emotional and mental state of the victim who is now under captivity.
There is no physical medication or therapy available to attend to the abuser or the victims unless one creates softness in one’s heart the care and concern will surface and the desire to remedy this enemy within will come to light. Sincerity and silken smooth words spun from kind tongues and hearts is the rule for recovery from the verbal abuse that has oozed out so profusely
Now as I write this, I am aware that there is a possibility that I could have stirred feelings of discomfort and chills that might be running down the spines of those who are currently struggling in an abusive relationship wherever you maybe. It is not a strange feeling as we have all lived there once in some way or the other. It is understood that when being battered and entangled in this world of abuse your partners or superiors and those who have authority over you will succeed and escape gracefully. Let it not effect you!
Last not least… remember being under the custody of a Narcissist is like having a viper wrapped around you.
Which is Worse.... Stones or Words?
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April 2012
Woman of Substance
Woman speaks
She walks with many a blisters in her heart
As the man shatters tatters her so apart
He sees not her needs and her great deeds
He thinks, acts for her, her feelings he unheeds
As she struggles to survive the weary waiting
Filled with pain and her twin rivers overflowing
Mapping ideas….dreams is but a battle to design
In silence she discreetly carries on and fails to resign
She is his slave, wage contributer and domestic
Smiles through the rules that conveys many restrict
Women’s lib is painted white and lived in perfect black
Hisotry tells us that man’s heart always painted black
Oh yes there are many a gallant men but just a few
Hlepless so they soothe her with sweetness.. her dues
A new generation she hopes to one day to surface
Where women unchained dwell freely with good grace
So sunken in grief of the many young ones she relates
Shaping them to blossom in kindness to women mates…
shirani ibrahim
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