At the dentist
This is kinda cute he.
I could not resist forwarding it on.
Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to take care of her teeth, he was startled.
“Excuse me, Miss, these are my testicles that you are holding.”
“I know,” answered the patient.
“We two should be very careful not to hurt each other,…..Agree?”
Letter of recommendation
If you have to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases: For the chronically absent:
“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed her career was just taking off.” For the office drunk:
“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.” For an employee with no ambition:
“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.” For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”
For a stupid employee:
“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.” For a dishonest employee:
“Her true ability was deceiving.”
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”
Have you heard about:
The polite teacher?
He passed the nuts.
The math teacher who wanted to lose weight?
She gave up pi.
When that didn’t work, she decided to trinomials.
The science teacher who was involved in an automobile accident?
He was grading tests on a curve.
The science professor who taught astrophysics?
She pointed her students to pi in the sky.
The history teacher who became a contestant on a popular TV show?
It’s called “The Dating Game.”
The professor who revised her syllabus to reveal the crucial role that women play in shaping world events?
She changed the course of history.
The algebra teacher?
She was an agent of math instruction.
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:
Living on Earth is expensive, But it does include a free trip Around the sun every year. How long a minute is Depends on what side of the Bathroom door you’re on. Birthdays are good for you The more you have, The longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you Didn’t even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late Are often much jollier Than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave With our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, How come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, But
You may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun To only make once.
Don’t cry because it’s over; Smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some are pretty, Some are dull, some have weird names, And all are different colours….but They all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who Can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day,
And Know that someone Who thinks you’re great Has thought about you today!..
And that person was me.
STRANGE FACTS OF OUR WORLD
American car horns beep in the tone of F.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Mosquito repellents don’t repel.
They hide you.
The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; “7″ was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces.
“UP” indicated the direction of the bubbles.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
One in every four Americans has appeared on television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
A Boeing 747′s wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers’ first flight.
The albatross drinks sea water.
It has a special desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.
In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees.
Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine.
A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second,
Bees and houseflies 200 times,
Some mosquitoes 600 times, and
A tiny gnat 1,000 times.
Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
The combination “ough” can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.”
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning “containing arsenic.”
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Cat’s urine glows under a black light.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
When opossums are playing ‘possum’, they are not “playing.” They actually pass out from sheer terror
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a “flink.” A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob A group of whales is called a pod. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament.
Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake.
They had been over-mixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float.
Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since. [It floats in gasoline, too.]
If you could count the number of times a cricket chirps in one minute, divide by 2, add 9 and divide by 2 again, you would have the correct temperature in Celsius degrees
During the Civil War, Robert E. Lee was offered command of the Union Army before he accepted his post with the Confederacy.
Margaret Higgins Sanger, the birth-control pioneer, was one of eleven children.
There are more than 15,000 different varieties of rice.
When a man died in ancient Egypt, the females in his family would smear their heads and faces with mud and wander through the city beating themselves and tearing off their clothes.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
FREE Emoticons for your email – by IncrediMail
A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth.
The nicest thing about the future is…
That it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine dog,
Only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don’t have a sense of humour,
You probably don’t have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is
When you’re in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
To become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important. . .
Because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions
You feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a cat . . .
You will have a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than
The teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins;
The old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. -
It could be the right number.
No one ever says,
“It’s only a game”
When their team is winning.
I’ve reached the age where
‘happy hour’ is a nap.
Be careful about reading the fine print. . . .
there’s no way you’re going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that
Not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realize that,
In about 40 years,
We’ll have thousands of old people running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
Money can’t buy happiness –
Somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in
A Cadillac than in an Uno.
If you don’t wake up aching in every joint,
You’re probably dead.
Always be yourself
The people that matter don’t mind . . . .
The ones that mind don’t matter.
Life isn’t tied with a bow . . .
But it’s still a gift.
Politicians and diapers should be changed often
For the same reason.
FRACTURED SCIENCE …
When you smell an odourless gas,
It is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins,
Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland
Because it is not found in a free state.
When you breathe,
When you do not breathe,
Three kinds of blood vessels are
Before giving a blood transfusion,
Find out if the blood is Affirmative or negative.
The pistol of a flower is
Its only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal.
The older it is,
The more extinct it is.
A menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
To remove dust from the eye,
Pull the eye down over the nose.
The body consists of three parts –
The borax &
The abominable cavity.
The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs,
The abominable cavity contains the bowels,
Of which there are five – A, E, I, O, and U.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
A Journey of Fantasy!
“Gota’s War” book to be launched – War kudos misappropriated
The most ludicrous event in history which would make even the dead to sit up and laugh is to take place at the Water’s edge on the 14th. That is the day the book written in English entitled ‘Gota’s war’ is going to be launched.
‘The Island’ newspaper alphabet writer C A Chandraprema, the self proclaimed ‘cogwheel intellect’ is the author of this book.
In the years 1988-89 , Chandraprema was the leader of the murder paramilitary group called ‘PRRA’ under the name of ‘Thadi Priyantha’. Until today, there are no cases against him, nor are courts hearing them in respect of the many murders he committed.
In 1990, though Gotabaya Rajapakse was not unfit health wise, he fled the country and went to the US in fear of the war falsely medically condemning himself. A medical certificate had stated that he was mentally unstable. Now, that medical certificate had been removed from the file which contained it and the file destroyed.
It has been confirmed without any trace of doubt that he fled the country in fear of the war. Gotabaya after leaving the army threw a party before leaving for the US. At the party he had openly told his friends, ‘Now the war is turning for the worse and portends danger. Now it has reached the stage of killing Lieutenants. Next will be the stage of killing of Colonels and Majors. That is why I left the army.’ At the time he resigned from the army he was holding the post of Lt. Colonel. This story he related clearly confirmed his inordinate cowardice and his fear of the war.
This coward Bayagotha for 15 years while in America until his brother contested the Presidency in SL, did not ever think of his motherland let alone visit it just even once. At least he could have visited the motherland when his brother became the Prime Minister. He did not do even that since his fear was so overriding. It is said that he did not even sleep facing the direction of SL. He was so frightened of the ongoing war at that time.
After his brother became the President, Gota became the Defence Secretary. Gotabaya who knows nothing about Govt. Administration nor possessing any higher education on the strategies of war , continued in his lofty position with brother’s support. Actually speaking, if he is to hold a Ministry secretary position, he ought to be a senior having passed the Govt. Administrative service examination. If he is to sit the Govt. Administrative service examination , he should at least have a degree qualification. Unfortunately Gota has no such qualifications. If at all he has passed a Govt. Examination, it is the GCE ord. Level exam. He has no qualification in strategies on war. In the army the exam he passed finally was the exam for the promotion from post of Captain to Major.. In the army if any knowledge is to be gained in war strategy or its techniques, he should have passed at least the Army MBC exam. For that, he should have had a foreign education, and the foreign Institutions take only Major Generals or higher army officers for that study. Gota had never in his life thought of them.
If we are to borrow the words of the Minister Maithri,‘There is nothing that Gota did in the war’ (gota yuddhaye kala bambuwak netha’). Of course, he did one thing properly – he carried messages to his brother – he was a good messenger. At the security council meetings , while he was like a mute dumb as ever, it was the former Amy Commander Sarath Fonseka whom these Rajapakses have maneuvered and jailed, who carried out all the major war operations. Certainly, except C A Chandraprema the hired assassin, all others know this stark truth. Gota’ s own conscience will testify to this, if he has a heart (many doubt whether Gota has one).
In these circumstances , wont the launching of a book titled ‘ Gota’s war’ evoke people’s contempt and ridicule on the ‘hired assassin’ writer and whom it is written about. Wont even a dead person sit up and laugh derisively at these comic characters who are desperately seeking through writers of putrid antecedence to appropriate the war kudos to themselves which truly belong to the former Army Commander and his brave Forces.
‘Monkey praises its own tail’ is a common adage. Here Gota is praising his own tail hidden between his legs using the fancy tale in a book published by himself, for the Ranjan Wijeratne Defence Academy which published this book is now under Gotabaya of the Defence Ministry.
By infamous Gota trying to become famous via this satan’s book of falsehood, he is confirming to the world that the medical certificate he produced to flee the country long ago is also similarly a false certificate.
The photograph herein is enough to bear testimony to what was “Gota’s war”- while Gen. Fonseka and his armed forces were fighting the raging war in the battlefield, it shows how Gota like a peeping-tom was in a corner putting out his head .
What’s more? In the recent illicit treasure digging at Mahavilachchi, it was proved beyond doubt that Gota is behind this sordid anti national activity too – Gota’s war in reverse gear?
Rizvi Mufthi’s call for compromise on Dambulla Mosque
Rewarding hooliganism and sell out of the community
By Latheef Farook
All Ceylon Jamiyyathul Ulama President, M.I.M. Rizvi Mufthi’s speech in Riyadh on Friday 4 May 2012 on the attack on the Dambulla Mosque has shocked the island’s Muslim community.
For a moment I asked myself, whether he has been dispatched by the mob leader Innamaluwa Sumangala Thera for canvassing in favour of demolishing the mosque.
In his speech, published in the Jeddah based “ArabNews” and reproduced in Sri Lankan dailies-Daily Mirror and Ceylon Today- on 7 May 2012, Rizvi Mufthi has called for resolving the Dambulla issue, imposed on the Muslim community by violence, amicably through tolerance and COMPROMISE.
Justifying this call he said the Line Mosque in Kandy was demolished for society development projects and the Nimal Road Mosque at Bambalapitiya was demolished, and built far away, to accommodate the highway that was constructed in the neighbourhood.
This was misleading.
Muslims in Kandy point out that no Mosque in Kandy, including Line Mosque, was ever demolished or shifted.
Even in the case of Nimal Road Mosque the owners of the land said that it was not built far away.
Instead, the new mosque was built few yards away from the site where the old mosque was located.
They explained that the old mosque was located few yards from the railway line.
In the subsequent years the old mosque was expanded to conduct Ahadiya classes.
However, the mosque paved the way for the marine drive and the present mosque was built few yards behind, leaving space for the construction of Marine Drive.
The beauty of this is that this was done peacefully and not on the instigation of unruly mobs.
In suggesting for a peaceful solution, Rizvi Mufthi had spoken on the need for “compromise” which suggests the demolition of the Dambulla mosque.
If this is what he implied then it is simply rewarding of hooliganism.
What he has failed to highlight is that the call for the demolition of Dambulla Mosque was not made by the Sinhalese in Dambulla or the mainstream Sinhalese community in the country which feels embarrassed by saffron vandalism.
While the Opposition Leader Ranil Wickremasinghe still remains silent, the UNP Deputy Leader Sajith Premadasa said in public that this has nothing to do with Buddhism.
Meanwhile, numerous Sinhalese columnists dismissed the attack on the Dambulla mosque as a despicable act and one columnist even went to the extent of describing the mob as “mad men of Dambulla”.
This vandalism is suspected to be the work of a small minority of ultra nationalists who managed to get into influential positions in the government.
Ever since the military defeat of the LTTE these ultra nationalists unleashed a vicious campaign community against Islam and Muslims inciting the majority.
It began using ten Sinhala language and nine English language websites.
They also produced a documentary on Daftar Jailani, Kuragala, accusing Muslims of grabbing this land which they claim belong exclusively to Sinhalese
In view of the threat to communal harmony, I highlighted this in an article in Sunday Times in September 2011.
As usual, Muslim politicians, theologians and all others slept.
Then, a mob taken from outside destroyed a Muslim shrine in Anuradhapura.
Here too, Buddhist monks led the mob.
And now comes the move to demolish the Dambulla mosque.
Even in this case though the mob leader was a local monk the mob was brought in from outside the area.
What these unruly elements do not realize is that this destructive anti Muslim campaign has all the potentials to tear apart the country which has just emerged from a three decade of savage ethnic carnage.
It was in this context one needs to view Rizvi Mufthi’s call for compromise.
Long before Muslim politicians and theologians came to the scene, the spontaneous response of the entire Muslim community to the vandalism at Dambulla Mosque has been” peaceful and dignified”.
Their only slogan was” communal harmony”.
However, compromise in this case, as claimed by Rizvi Mufthi, means rewarding lawlessness as Prime Minister D.M.Jayaratne’s office had done when it ordered the demolition of the mosque within 24 hours after the mob attack.
It would also set an extremely dangerous precedence.
Any dispute between communities, not with mobs, need to be solved in a civilized manner within the framework of the laws of the land and the entire Muslim community insisted on this with one voice.
This is a burning issue which is to be sorted out within six months as decided by a committee of Sinhalese government officers.
No Muslim was involved in taking this decision.
Under the circumstances, it would have been appropriate for Mufthi Rizvi to place facts before the audience, rather than suggesting solution which, it appears, would be at the expense of the rights of Muslims.
It appears Mufthi Rizvi has overstepped his limits.
As the president of All Ceylon Jamiyyathul Ulema, not a Vatican with a Pope, his job is to guide the community according to religious principles.
However, here he has entered the corrupt, criminalized and commercialised field of politics.
This is a dangerous and already people are talking of the need to clearly earmark the role of the Jamiyyathul Ulema as a religious, and not a political, organization.
There is also a growing feeling among the Muslims that Jamiyyathul Ulema should consult the community before taking any decision on behalf of the community.
Rizvi Mufthi owes an explanation to the community.
Philosophy of Life …
There are only two things to worry about, Either you are well,
You are sick.
If you are well,
There is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick,
You have two things to worry about; Either you will live,
You will die.
If you live,
There is nothing to worry about.
If you die,
You have two things to worry about; Either you will go to heaven
If you go to heaven,
There is nothing to worry about,
But if you go to hell, You’ll be so busy shaking hands with your friends, You won’t have time to worry!”
The Pentagon in the USA uses on average 666 rolls of toilet paper per day!
Priests in ancient Egypt used to pluck every hair from their bodies,
Including their eyebrows and eyelashes!
Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men!
There are only two people in the world who know the secret recipe for coca-cola!
The original name for the butterfly was the flutterby
All of the world’s nations that begin wit an “A” end with an “A” except Afghanistan!
Fear of Everything
Fear of Computers
Fear of Pins and Needles
Fear of Long Word
In the middle ages, European society women had some of the blood drained from their body to achieve a pale complexion
Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicient Roberts
Thomas Edison, the man who invented the light bulb,
Was actually afraid of the dark
You are more likely to be stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other kind of weather
Before there were jets,
Jet lag was called boat lag
“DREAMT” is the only word in the English Language that ends with the letters “MT”
The hour and the minute hands cross over each other 11 times during a 12 hour period
The first reference to toilet paper dates back to 1718
A little quiz..
An oldie but a goldie
I am only sending this to my smart friends and acquaintances.
I could not figure it out.
My first thought was wrong and I had to look at the answer.
See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common!
1. Banana 2. Dresser 3. Grammar 4. Potato 5. Revive 6. Uneven 7. Assess
Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully.
You’ll kick yourself when you discover the answer.
This is so cool….. No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters. Let me know if you figured it out -
Answer is below!
In all of the words listed,
If you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word,
Then spell the word backwards,
It will be the same word.
Did you figure it out?
Then, send this to more people and stump them as well.
Then, you’ll feel better too.